: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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