You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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