1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
