I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
