Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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