I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
