What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
