my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
