It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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