There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
