Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
