made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
