I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
