I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
