Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle