I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
