Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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