My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
