I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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