How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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