We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
