totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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