FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
