I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
