my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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