Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
