dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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