i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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