All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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