Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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