i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Please don't give away my fajitas
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