Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
