im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
