Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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