Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
