I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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