This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again