I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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