I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
