Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
