If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
