I'm drive I can fine osifer
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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