you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
