This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
