I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
