my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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