I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
