You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
