I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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