we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
