sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
