i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
