did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
