I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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