Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
now i know why i became what i already was.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
