I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
