Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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