no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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