I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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