I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I could fuck to npr.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
