We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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